The Weight of Memory
Bad memories must be lighter than good ones. They seem to rise to the surface much more easily.
It has taken a deep dive to find some good ones from this time a year ago. It was then that my dad was in the hospital, recovering from surgery. At least that is what we thought in late April. He seemed to be making good progress and would soon go home. It turns out, he was on his way Home.
For over a month now my heart has been dreading what it knew my mind would do during this time. Each day would bring recollections of what was going on last April and May. Those memories would rise up and overwhelm me. But, I serve a God who is bigger than my mind and heart. By His grace, He has helped me skim the dark waters of my father’s illness and passing to uncover the good memories, the ones that easily sink to the bottom, buried below the pain. Those are the ones the Lord can help me focus on, and the ones I want to make known here.
Following are moments of light God provided in the darkness:
Playing with my sister’s beautiful hair while we sat on the couch in the ICU room.
Delicious homemade meals from my cousin Donna and Aunt Diane.
Watching Lost on the laptop with my sister.
Praying with my extended family in the hospital chapel.
Hugging my mom.
Reading the book Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man.
Being led in prayer by a nurse who asked to pray over my dad with us.
Writing scripture on the white board in the hospital room.
Feeling a closeness with my sister that goes beyond words.
A blanket fresh out of the warmer, tossed over me by a kind nurse.
Encouraging emails from friends far away but praying for us.
Having a home-cooked meal with family in the hospital cafeteria.
Laughing uncontrollably with my mom and sister at Denny’s.
Enjoying a few minutes of warm sunshine as I walked a trail near the hospital.
Checking doctors’ ring fingers, keeping an eye out for opportunities for my single sister.
Having Mother’s Day dinner with my mom. I think I even cooked.
The sight of my friends outside my parents’ house as they showed up to support me.
Feeling SO loved by the surprise visit of friends who had driven over 300 miles to spend my birthday with me and attend the wake.
Spending my birthday at the zoo with amazing friends, husband, and sister.
Family and friends close by at all times.
Hearing my dad confirm to a pastor that he had forgiveness in Christ.
Daily, hourly, minute by minute – being able to approach the throne of God’s grace to receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need. Hebrews 4:16